k e r n o w m i c k
Welcome, one and all
Dynnargh dhis, onen hag oll
Kernow is the original Celtic name for the county of Cornwall in England
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Welcome To Visitors from USA, Ireland, BRAZIL, CANADA, PHIlipines, nIGERIA, RUSSIA, SINGAPORE, New zealand, Cambodia, china, Switzerland, India, and new visitors from australia.......they always like a bit down under....and now malta!
AS WELL AS THIS GUIDE PAGE, THERE ARE THREE MUSIC VIDEO PAGES PLUS ONE INNOVATIVE ROCK AND ROLL DANCE PAGE. REMEMBER......THEY DO NOT ALL CONTAIN MUSIC!
A new page has been added............Something different. To find it, you'll need to be able to navigate a web site, so women will have to ask a man, when they come out of the kitchen
If you wish to contact me, please use the chat facility below, or: infokernowmick@gmail.com I also have a Facebook page, where my followers include J. Cleese, M. Jagger, J. Davidson, Bon Jovi, Private Eye script writers, & real Donald Trump etc
Cannot be viewed on mobiles. UPDATED ALMOST DAILY
Bit of Variety.............
Helpful tips have been placed in brackets so our American audience can understand the nuances of the gag (a gag is a joke)Years ago during the battle of Britain (a small island off mainland Europe for you chaps reading in the states!) a famous French (From the noun France meaning a bigger country on mainland Europe situated close to Britain!) fighter pilot had evaded capture by the Germans and was now the RAF's (Royal Air Force chaps) top flying ace. having come back from one harrowing sortie, Herve (pronounced Ur - vay) the sole surviving member of the squadron crash landed his damaged & smoking spitfire on the grass runway.. "Fuel up another one" shouts Herve "I fight the dreaded Germans on my own" He duly got into a new plane flew across the channel (a sea between Britain & France) and when over northern France encountered a large squadron of German planes. Throwing caution to the wind Herve lined them up in his sights and dived into attack. He was promptly, unsurprisingly, shot down and crashed in a farmers field. Climbing from the smoking wreckage Herve is confronted by an angry farmer brandishing a shotgun and threatening to "blow his German head off". (the French fought the Germans in WW2 and were on "our side"). "non non" says Herve "I am Herve the famous French fighter pilot and have been shot down you idiot farmer" The fame of Herve had even spread to this little farm in northern France and now reassured the farmer was delighted. Taking Herve's flight bag in one hand and supporting the tired Herve with the other the farmer led our intrepid hero back to his simple farm house for some warming food and a glass of wine (this is an alcoholic drink favoured in France. It has absolutely no relation to similarly labeled drinks sold in the US - it is actually rather pleasant). On entering the house the farmer introduces Herve to his wife and his beautiful blonde 18-year-old daughter Nicole. After a fabulous meal and a few more glasses of real wine, the farmer announces that it is time for bed. But there was one problem, there were only 2 bedrooms, one for the farmer & his wife the other for Nicole (the lovely young daughter - concentrate). Herve swore on his honour that he would not lay a finger on Nicole and could be trusted to share her bed for the night before escaping the next day across the channel to Blighty (AKA Britain see comment line one). Needless to say that no sooner had Herve closed the bedroom door he jumped the lovely young Nicole. "Oh Herve, kiss me! kiss me!" cries Nicole Herve reaches into his flight bag and brings out a bottle of Merlot (see previous comment on wine) and splashes it on Nicole's lips. "What are you doing, Herve?" says the startled Nicole. "I am Herve, the famous French fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!" She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Nicole says, "Herve, kiss me lower." Herve tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay from his flight bag and starts pouring it all over her breasts. "Herve! What are you doing?", asks the bewildered Nicole. "I am Herve the famous French fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!" They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Nicole leans close to his ear and whispers, "Herve, kiss me lower!" Herve, grabs a bottle of Brandy (a highly combustible alcoholic drink made from grapes and much stronger than Budweiser) and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire. Nicole shrieks as she bats out her flaming bush then shouts angrily at Herve, "Herve, what the hell do you think you're doing?" To which Herve replies, "I am Herve the famous French fighter pilot and when I go down, I go down in flames!"
A woman went to a lawyer to discuss divorcing her husband. "Don't you love him anymore?" asked the lawyer. "Oh, I still love him," she replied, "but all he ever wants is sex, I can't take it anymore." "Instead of divorcing him, why don't you try charging him every time he wants to make love?" the lawyer suggested. The exhausted wife decided to give the plan a try. As soon as she walked into the house that night her husband put the move on her. "Not so fast," she replied. "From now on it'll be £5 in the kitchen, £10 in the living room and £25 in the bedroom." "Well, then," he said. "Here's £25." The wife began walking to the bedroom. "Hold on," he said, grabbing her hand. "That'll be five times in the kitchen!"
A woman with eight children happened to run across a childhood friend of hers on the street corner. "Myrna," she asked, "How come you got no kids?" "I practice preventative measures," was her answer.
"Preventative measures? What kind?" asked Evelyn. "I use two saucers and a box" said Myrna. "What do you mean two saucers and a box," asked Evelyn, "how does that help?" "My husband's a lot shorter than I am and we like to screw standing up. When he gets frisky I put the two saucers on the table, hike up my dress and spread my legs. He stands on the box so he can get all the way up inside me and then starts jumping up and down" "So where does all this get you?" asked Evelyn, confused. "Well I watch him very closely. When his eyes get as big as those two saucers, I kick the box out from under him."
A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabiths?" And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks: "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby?" She in turn puts her hands on her knees, bends forward and says, "I don't fink my pyfon gives a fuck!
This guy wanted a parrot who talked. He asked the pet store manager if there was a bird who was already speaking. The manager directed the guy to a bird by the window. "This bird has a vocabulary of 1000 words and another 50 phrases that would fit most occasions." The guy bought the bird and took it home. Next day, the guy was back in the pet store to complain. The bird hadn't said a word. The pet store manager said, "That's not unusual. Why not buy a few of the toys the bird had been used to playing with while here and put it in his cage. That should get him more comfortable with his surroundings and loosen him up." The man paid for the toys and took them home to the bird. Two days later the guy showed back up. "Still not talking, huh?" asked the manager. "Well, perhaps a birdbath would do the trick." The credit card was whipped out, the purchase made, and the guy was back home with his new birdbath. And, like clockwork, two days later the guy was back to complain that the bird STILL hadn't said one word. This time the shop owner scratched his head and said, "You know, sometimes the bird would be praised in his training and
allowed to ring this bell." The guy was hesitant, but he really wanted to hear the bird talk, so he reluctantly purchased the bell. Two days later, the guy was back in the shop. This time the pet shop owner suggested the bird was lonely. The guy was upset that he'd have to purchase ANOTHER bird when the first one wasn't talking. The pet shop owner told him that, no, he wouldn't have to do that. Just buy a mirror and trick the bird into thinking he had company. You guessed. Two days later, the man was back in the store, this time with the parrot. The parrot was dead. "What happened! Didn't the bird ever talk?" asked the pet store owner. "Yep. Right before he died it said, 'Don't they sell any fucking birdseed at that pet store?'"
A bartender was getting ready to close for the night when a robber with a ski mask burst in and pulls a gun. He yells to the bartender, "This is a stick-up! Put all your
dough in this bag!" The frightened bartender pleads, "Don't shoot, please! I'll do as you say!" The robber yells, "Shut up and empty the cash register!" The bartender says, "Okay, okay! Just don't shoot, I have a wife and kids! I'll do whatever you say!" The crook takes the money then puts the gun to the bartender's head and says, "Alright, now give me a blowjob!" "Anything!" cries the bartender, "Just don't shoot!" The bartender starts to blow the crook. As the crook gets excited, he drops the gun. The bartender sees the gun on the floor, picks it up, hands it back to the crook and yells, "Hold the gun, damn it! One of my friends might walk in!"
The big-game hunter walked into the bar and bragged to everyone about his skills as a hunter. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that he could recognize any animal's skin by feeling it, and he could tell what calibre rifle was used to shoot it by locating the bullet hole. This was a bit too much for the other customers, and soon a heated argument started. The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and the bet was on. They blindfolded him and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced, "Springbok." Then he felt for the bullet hole and declared, "And it was shot with a .22 rifle." He was right! The others could not believe it and the argument was even hotter than before. When someone suggested that he must have peeped, he said that he was prepared to do it again for another round. So they blindfolded him again, very thoroughly this time, and they brought a skin that someone happened to have in the trunk of his car. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Kalahari Lion." Fingering the bullet hole, he added, "The rifle was a .308." He was right again! This only made the crowd more curious, and he had to prove his skills over and over again, every time winning a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, bombed out of his mind, and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. So he said to his wife, "Listen, I know I was drunk last night, but not too drunk to know
that I didn't get into a fight. So where did I get this black eye?" His wife replied angrily, "From me!" "What did I do?" he asked. She replied, "You got into bed and put your hand inside my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and announced, 'Skunk, killed with an axe!'"
Boudreaux married an attractive woman, Lola, who was half his age. After several months, Lola complained that she had never climaxed during sex; and, according to her Grandma, all Cajun women are entitled to a climax once in a while. So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the large-animal Vet, Thibodeaux, since there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in Carencro. Thibodeaux didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his Mother and Dad would fan a cow that was having any difficulty birthing a calf to cool her down and make her struggles easier. So, Thibodeaux told them to hire a strong, virile, young man to wave a towel over them while they were having sex. This, Thibodeaux said, would cause the young wife to climax. Thus, the couple hired a young man from the big city of Baton Rouge to wave a towel over them as Thibodeaux suggested. After many efforts, still no climax. They went back to Thibodeaux. This time Thibodeaux said for Lola to change partners and let the young man have sex with her while Boudreaux waved the towel. They tried it that night, and Lola went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one after the other. When it was over, Boudreaux smugly looked down at the young man and said, "Ya see, city slicker, now THAT's how ya wave da towel!"
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Adult & Health
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In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that is has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin. Pfizer Corp. announced today that VIAGRA will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.
A Kiwi ( New Zealander ) walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says: "Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache." His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot." The man says: " I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."
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STAFF NOTICE
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Notification to all staff concerning language
It has been brought to our attention that some individuals have been using foul language during the execution of their duties. Due to the complaints from some employees who are more easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.
We do realise, however, the importance of staff being able to express their feelings when communicating with other employees. With this in mind, the Human Resource Department, in line with company policy, have compiled a list/Code of Practice as shown in the table below. This Code of Replies And Phrases (C.R.A.P.) will allow the proper exchange of ideas/information to continue in an effective manner, without risking offence to our more sensitive co-workers.
OLD PHRASE NEW PHRASE
No fucking way I’m fairly sure that is not feasible
You’re fucking joking Really!
Tell someone who gives a fuck Have you informed the Management about that?
It’s got fuck all to do with me I was not involved in that project
And when the fuck do you expect me to do this Perhaps I can work late?
Who fucking cares? Are you sure that is a problem?
Eat shit and die You don’t say
Eat shit and die. Mother fucker You don’t say, Sir/I think I told you this would happen
Kiss my ass So you would like me to help you
He’s a fucking prick He’s somewhat sensitive
She’s a ball busting bitch She’s a full-time career woman
You haven’t got a fucking clue You could benefit from more training
This place is fucked We are a little disorganised today
Who the fuck are you? You’re new here, aren’t you?
Fuck off, shithead I don’t think I require your assistance
You are a fucking wanker/overpaid shit for brains You are my Boss and I respect you
You are fucking useless You haven’t done this job before have you?
Fuck off I’ll look into it and get back to you
You lying cunt Are you quite sure about that?
Get out of my way you tosser I don’t think I require your assistance
Shove a brush up my ass & I’ll
sweep the fucking floor as well Would you like me to do that for you as well?
Am I the only twat here? Would someone else please answer the telephone?
Fuck off smart arse Well done
Raving fucking arse bandit He’s very much in touch with his feminine side
Boy, are you in the shit! Does the Boss know about this?
Kiss my fucking arse I’d rather not if you don’t mind
No fucker told me I wasn’t given that piece of information
You’ve made a right cock-up of that It’s the sort of mistake anyone could make
I’m dying for a shit I’m going to wash my hands
It’s fucked It’s broken, but I think I can fix it
It’s completely fucked It’s broken beyond repair
Fuck off you twat You are a very rude man
What the fuck? That's interesting.
Why the fuck didn't you tell me sooner? I'll try to schedule that.
He's got his head up his ass He's not familiar with the issues.
Kiss my ass So you weren't happy with it?
Fuck it, I'm on salary I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
Shove it up your ass I don't think you understand
This job sucks I love a challenge
Who the hell died & made you Boss? You want me to take care of that?
Another fucking meeting? Yes, we really should discuss it
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FUCK
This word describes many emotions. No other word can be used in such varied grammatical nuances. It can be used as a noun (I don’t give a fuck); as an adjective (It’s a fucking beauty); as a verb in it’s transitive form ( the game was fucked up by the weather); and in the intransitive form (he well and truly fucked it up). Every day expressions show its true versatility:-
Denial “I’ll be fucked if I did”.
Perplexity “I know fuck all about that”.
Apathy “Who gives a fuck anyway”.
Greeting “How the fuck are you?”
Goodbye “Fuck off”.
Resignation “Oh fuck it”
Derision “He fucks everything up”.
The word has, of course, been used by some very famous personages throughout the years, the more notable being:-
What the fuck was that? Mayor of Hiroshima
Look at all those fucking Indians! General Custer 1877
Where’s all that fucking water coming from? Captain of the Titanic
What a place to plant a fucking tree! Marc Bolan
That’s not a real fucking gun! John Lennon
The fucking throttle’s stuck! Donald Campbell
I am outside the fucking exclusion zone! Captain of the General Belgrano .
Who the fuck’s gonna know? Richard Nixon
Some fucking heads are going to roll! Anne Boleyn
Who let the fucking woman drive? Captain of the Space Shuttle
Watch him, he’ll have some fucker's eye out in a minute! King Harold
What fucking map? Mark Thatcher
She’s just a fucking secretary! Cecil Parkinson
He’s just a fucking mate! Jeremy Thorpe
Any fucker can understand that! Albert Einstein
Of course it fucking looks like her! Pablo Picasso
"How the fuck did you work that out?" Pythagoras 126BC
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"You want WHAT on the fucking ceiling?" Michelangelo 1566
"I don't suppose it's gonna fucking rain." Joan of Arc
"Scattered fucking showers...my ass!" Noah 4314 BC
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"I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in my head!" JF Kennedy
"Aw, c'mon, who the fuck's gonna to find out?" Bill Clinton 1997
What fucking hurricane? Michael Fish
The doors are always fucking shut! Townsend Thorensen
I fucking thought I could smell petrol! Nikki Lauda
Of course it crossed the fucking line! Russian linesman (1966)
These fucking nails are killing me! What I’ve got
to go through to prove I’m the Son of God Jesus Christ
Don’t leave it more than three days Dad, for fucks sake! Jesus Christ​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​
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